Many couples are on the edge of a breakup. What should you do? How do you know whether to stay or leave?

Here are some indicators to help you know if you are on the edge of a breakup:

1. You are asking yourself if this relationship is right for you.

2. Your partner has said maybe it's not right for him or her.

3. Sex has become infrequent or unfulfilling.

4. There has been infidelity in the relationship.

5. You have already broken up but are thinking of going back.

Tanya and Victor have been dating for almost two years. They decided to live together last year, but recently they have broken up and Tanya has moved back out on her own. She is not happy about this, yet Victor continues to want to date her. When they are together he is very attentive, but long periods elapse with no contact. He says he loves her but doesn't have time for a relationship right now. He says he can't give her what she wants (a commitment). She loves him but isn't sure what to do.

Here is a general recipe for solving this type of problem.

1. Gain perspective. The first step is to gain new perspectives about the nature and causes of the relationship problems. Are they caused by lack of attraction? Or are they caused by lack of emotional maturity? What is your own part in this? In our case example of Tanya and Victor, it appears that they are both attracted to each other. But both have immaturities, Victor more than Tanya. Victor can't handle the various demands on his life, doesn't know his priorities, and is afraid of commitment. Tanya is insecure, wants more than he can give, and gets upset when he is withdrawn.

2. Learn new attitudes and behaviors. Tanya is more mature than Victor, and thus is more likely to be able to learn and grow. Victor, being immature, feels that he does nothing wrong and has no need to change. If Tanya wants to have any chance with Victor she will need to learn why he is like he is (Victor probably doesn't know), learn to deal with him without taking his immaturities personally, and thus be "up" when they are together (much like she was when they first dated).

3. Demonstrate new attitudes and behaviors. If Tanya learns to love Victor in a new way (no commitments, at least for now), it will do her no good unless Victor sees the change and believes it. So she needs to figure out how to convey this in a way that he will recognize and believe.

4. Accept his terms. Victor wants his own way (he's immature) and thus will not likely continue the relationship unless he can have it his way. Tanya will need to play on his terms for a while until she regains "leverage" in the relationship. She regains leverage by behaving in ways that please Victor, which allows the natural chemistry to surface again, which is itself a strong source of leverage if it can be unleashed. This is a temporary solution, but a necessary one.

5. Ask for some of her terms. The relationship cannot go on forever as a one-way deal. Tanya needs to get some of her needs met also. Once she regains leverage in the relationship, she can use that leverage to bring about more equality. Of course she needs to do it in constructive ways so as not to destroy the new base of understanding which she is building.

6. Decide whether to stay or leave. By going through the process described above, Tanya will come to a place where she is either happy with the way the relationship is progressing, or feels she has done all she can and is therefore comfortable with moving on. Thus the decision to "stay or leave" is a process not an event. If it is a conscious and constructive process, then Tanya will be happy about it whichever way it goes.

7. Find support. Throughout this process it is important for Tanya to have support. Victor will no doubt treat her badly on repeated occasions. She will no doubt frequently respond incorrectly out of fear and insecurity. But if she has a strong support network, it can help her work through this process in a good way. She can talk to friends instead of taking her fears out on Victor. She can talk with a coach or counselor to learn new insights and behaviors. Knowledgeable support is of course better than friendly (but uninformed) advice.

There is no guarantee that going through this process will result in Tanya and Victor getting back together. He may be unable to outgrow his immaturities. She may be unable to learn new attitudes and behaviors. When all is said and done the attraction level may be insufficient. But what can be guaranteed is that this process will result in Tanya's feeling whole again after making a conscious and informed (and emotional) decision.

Copyright 2005, Randy Hurlburt